If I Raced NASCAR

I have an old friend who embodies the stereotypical southern lady. She is always dressed appropriately, carries the proper handbag, and her house looks like a Southern Living magazine. I was very surprised when I found out that she attended the NASCAR race at Talladega today. This would be somewhat similar to me attending a spider enthusiast convention, complete with tarantula pettings. I think it was good for her to see how the, ahem, other half lives. She won’t come out and admit it, but I think she had a good time. I myself am not above watching a car race every now and again, and I had one great experience in the infield at Bristol. Jeff Gordon is VERY nice looking in person and also has gracious manners.

I have always thought I would be a great race car driver: I have some people skills and enough speeding tickets to qualify me for the Tennessee Highway Patrol’s “Top 40 under 40” Hall of Fame. NASCAR has gotten a little vanilla, to put it mildly. They need some spice, Posh-style. I can see it now:

ESPN reporter: We’re here with Vaiden Taylor, driver of the 34D car. What happened out there, Vaiden?

VT: This Victoria’s Secret-Tampax- Enfamil car was running faster than a group of women heading to Macy’s for a 50% off sale! Then Carl Edwards got into me. Perhaps if he became more familiar with Midol’s new line of extra-strength products we wouldn’t keep having these problems with him.

ESPN: He tried to have your qualifying laps thrown out earlier this week, causing some controversy. Can you comment on that situation?

VT: Carl needs to man up. I would like to see him retro-fit his ride with two carseats and qualify listening to The Wiggles while handing out chicken nuggets. THAT takes some talent. He can take that tired old back-flip down the road.

ESPN: We are now hearing reports from the Tony Stewart garage that you flashed him in Turn 2.

VT: Stewart has two Cup Championships. I have boobs. Look, we all use what we have. It’s not my fault he was laughing so hard he spun out.

ESPN: The National Guard is here to escort you to the officials’ trailer.

VT: Carl Edwards is such a girl.